She Is My Constant Companion: A reflection on grief and growth

Grief has become a constant companion for Teanna  Ramsamy.

Each day she wears a necklace with her four children names. It has become a personal talisman to remind her no matter how many times she falls, she is not the only one who lives with loss.

“When I am struggling, I hold onto that necklace and remind myself that there are four wonderful humans that still need my guidance and my love.”

“I want them to remember that I have enveloped them in my love. I want them to carry with them the lesson that family is where we are strongest.

“When our pathway veers off in a direction that we don’t like, we only need to pivot back to our family to remember who we are, and what we are capable of.”

And Teanna’s family have had to pave their way back after losing Tony, a father and husband, to bowel cancer after a five -year battle.

“At the time of his death, we had separated, but we were still each other’s best friends. He left behind four children, our youngest two were only teenagers at the time of his death and had never really known a time that their father was a healthy man.

“We spent years of our lives in and out of hospitals and rehabs, only for it to end in a tragedy anyway.”

What grief has taught Teanna is that as humans we loved someone so hard.

“Their absence will be felt every day, all day for the rest of our own days.

“In our house we lived for the memories that we have and try our hardest to hold on to the things and moments that we do remember.

“Grief has reminded me that life is not a guarantee, and so each day should be very treasured in all that it is, the good, the bad and the ugly crying.”

During the process of grief and life, Teanna has learned she is still becoming and that each day she has had to leave parts of herself to get there.

“ As I get older, I am becoming someone that cares less about what others think of me and caring more about whether I feel right within myself, like I have followed my own values and fulfilled my own needs.

“To get there though I am leaving behind a young woman who was so focused on doing the ‘right thing’. The things that were expected of me or that felt obligated to give to others.”

Part of that process of becoming is removing expectations of who we are to make way for evolution.  For Teanna, this becoming looks more like a revolution, admitting she has outgrown the label of being dramatic.

“This is one that I got a lot when I was young, and it was probably a justified label.

“I have learned that being dramatic and being forceful can look similar. I am not backwards in coming forwards and I never have been, I just do it these days without the theatrics to go along with it.

“Now I make my point in a more quiet but firm way. “

And it during the passage of time  we start to really discover what it means to know ourselves  and how it changes.

Thinking of this question, made Teanna laugh.

“This is hilarious because 20-year-old me would be mortified at being obnoxious!

“When I was young, I believed that I knew myself, but really, I had no idea.

 “I was busy attempting to make sure that I was perceived in a particular way, I tried to be compliant and do as others wanted me to do.

“ As I get older there is something that has shifted in me that, unsettlingly, reminds me of my mother. I care less about whether I am liked by others, and care more about whether I am liked by me. I finish each day, wondering whether I have been true to my values, my thoughts, my ideals.

“Because here is what I know: Death can come at any time, and when I die, those I love are the ones that will be broken. They need to know I lived my life doing what I knew was right, not how others though I should live.”

And if there is one woman who knows what it is like to heal, it is Teanna, and her advice for other women in the middle of their healing is to not hide from your grief.

‘She will be your constant companion now.

“Time doesn’t heal her. She is just there. She sits inside a little part of your heart and will be with you day and night.

“ Now it’s about learning to accept that she is your constant companion but that she doesn’t need to rule your life. It’s almost like it becomes another limb, and you just learn to accept it as a part of who you are. Honour her for being there and for what she is, but don’t let her rule your life.”

Quick Q&A

 What rituals, people, or places help you come back to yourself?

For me a quiet moment at Eimeo beach brings me back to who I am. Eimeo beach has been a constant in my life. I played on the beach as a child with my parents, climb the scrub to hide from the world as a teenager, and my husband I spent our weekends swimming at the beach with our children. The moment that my toes hit the sand a sensed of peace and calm return right down to the bones of my body. It vibrates through every part of my person and restores my sense of calm. I am able to take those happiest moments of my life and draw on the strength of these.

What patterns or behaviours are you consciously trying to change for the next generation?

Reverting to anger. Being unable to express our true feelings has been a generational trauma for our family. The inability to show affection, to remind each other that we love each other. Instead, we have moved in spheres of anger and taken this out on those we love the most. I have not mastered this at all, but I am a work in progress. When I am with them, I remind my children that they are loved, I have overcome my own issues with showing affection and make sure that they feel that I love them. I have pushed aside old angers and old traumas, to ensure that my children are not subjected to an anger that is not meant for them. This has taken a lot of work, to heal the injured child in myself to be able to make sure that my own do not become injured children themselves.

 When do you feel most at home in yourself?

When I am in my quiet moments. Those moments when I can reflect on how far I have come from the young woman who dreamed a life that looked very different to this one. I appreciate and love her for those hopes, but I appreciated that the journey that has brought me here, has been built in fire and there is a strength and power in that, that I had no idea existed 20 years ago.